2 weeks ago, I was talking with someone who wanted me to go to meeting for an organization in another town. I asked if we could have the meeting in a church on a Sunday so that I could use the child care that was available there for my twin 7 year olds. Her response was that she wished I would get more creative.
I told her I am very creative in living my life every single day. Living my life is an act of creativity.
I didn't go into detail. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. In truth is not the first time she has talked to me about needing to be more creative in my life to make things happen.
I'm a little lost when I hear this. My first thoughts are that I use creativity to buy healthy food for my children, I used creativity to get into and utilize the Habitat for Humanity program so that I am now the owner of a home of 1000 square feet for my family of 5 to live in. I use creativity to live in a house with 2 teenagers and twins with only 1000 square. It feels like I use creativity all day everyday. I live under the poverty line. I could go on and on about the specifics I use my creativity for but the truth is that I start to feel like I am working to prove my worth. And I have had to spend my life proving my worth to my family.
At what point are poor people allowed to be human? How much do you need to know about me to know that I tried hard enough to be given a pass? If I tell you about trying to go to college as a single parent but having to quit because my children needed me ? If I tell you about my children's abusive father who abused me and my children? How much do you need to know about that abuse? Do I explain how he tricked everyone in our lives that I was the one who was the problem? So that when I left him and didn't allow him to see my kids everyone tried to convince me I was doing the wrong thing. How I had no support to get away. How I've been the only person trying to parent my children outside of abuse outside of punishment. How I have ptsd when I go into a school that the sights and sounds of the public school system cause me to react in my body with fight/flight/freeze.
If I tell you all of this but that I work and use creativity to seem normal and like everyone else as much as I am able. That all I've ever wanted was to be able to finish college and go to work and have a normal family. If I tell you I am not capable of living with a man because of what my abusive husband did to me and my children. That I was able to finally fall in love and felt like I was on my way to healing but that man died and left me raise our beautiful children alone. I suppose I didn't have to do it all alone but because of the abuse I have lived through it makes it almost impossible for me to know how much is ok or not ok. I don't know how to tell who is safe and who is not. I have learned I am an amazing woman with so much to offer in the world. I also have so much against me. I do not see a glass half empty or even a glass half full I just see a glass that will quench my thirst but that I have to figure out how to constantly fill up to also quench the thirst of my children daily.
No comments:
Post a Comment