Finding Vulnerability

"I want to find, accept, and then stretch my limits so I can take bolder and bolder actions in the face of fear." -Miki Kashtan

I've been studying Nonviolent Communication for almost 3 years now

I first read the book of the same name by Marshall Rosenberg about 6 years ago. I thought it was enough like other types of communication styles that I had already studied that I could use it easily without having to study too much. 

Then I found myself in conflict with a dear friend. She was very frustrated with me and wanted me to understand something very important in the moment. I was afraid and didn't think I could listen well. I tried to be vulnerable but failed. We tried going to an NVC workshop together but I was too hurt and I think she was too.   It ended badly.   And while I am still in contact with her our friendship has suffered, our friends we had in common have enacted a distance.  Sadly, this was at a time in my life when I lost my life partner and needed their support very badly. I was left alone in my grief for not only my life partner but also my friends and support group.
  

This is when I decided that I would intensively study Nonviolent Communication for a year. I was lucky that I am near a city that held workshops regularly and began my journey. I reread the book and watched every video on youtube I could find. And attended 3 workshops in the next year.  I started to see change in my life. I continued to take workshops and found a book study group for my second year, and have continued finding information on blogs and in books and at workshops

I have lived in fear for most of my life. Fear of people, fear of life.  I wanted to be loved and cared about I wanted understanding but being terrified to the extreme really made it hard to interact with people.  I also felt angry and let's face it women are not allowed to be angry in our culture. Women are allowed to cry and be afraid, women are allowed to be depressed, women are to be helpless and victims but we are not supposed to get angry. Yet I was tired of moving between depressed and angry. Yet I am often to afraid to show people my feelings of vulnerability.  I am often shaking in terror and close to tears working to stay vulnerable when trying to tell people my authentic truth rather than pick up my defensiveness. However, I am learning to have courage. I am learning that for me courage is not the courage to fight or go to battle but to stand unprotected in my mistakes and imperfections.  To stand unprotected in my pain and hurt and needs for support and compassion.  To stand naked before people.  I have had some successes recently and I  have found by bringing in my vulnerability, others meet me with more vulnerability. I have yet to do this in a high stakes situation but I feel I am closer to being able to do this.  I hope the next time that some one is really angry at me I am able to think faster and know what to say. Whether it is right to offer up my own feels of fear and insecurity or to offer empathy.

I think this is one step we will take when we are ready to live in a world of peace. I think we often think that living in a world of peace means to live free of conflict. But maybe it really means to live in a world were we can all learn to be vulnerable with ourselves and with each other.  So everyday I make the effort to lay down my defenses and stand naked with all insecurities,  fears, and open wounds in front of myself and sometimes I am even brave enough to do it in front of others.  I hope to continue on this journey of gentle learning and laying down my weapons of words to find what is underneath.

Oceana SisterMoon is currently living her dream of a sustainable life, raising chickens, and growing food with her 4 children. She seeks to help women unearth their power through sisterhood and healing through self-connection , interdependence, power in vulnerability, and authenticity. instagram pinterest