Changed

 I've changed.  I'm not the same person I used to be. Sometimes this leaves me at a loss in figuring out how to move forward in my long standing relationships.  

God is Change - Lauren Oya Olamina

 It can be so hard when people change around us. 
Especially when we have known them for a long time. This has really changed my life and my relationships. 

As I have written before my life really got turned upside down some years ago.  So I started studying Nonviolent Communication. Since that time my life has changed for the better. I feel stronger more capable and generally happier than I have ever felt in my life. Although I think however much we grow we will always be able to grow more. 

How do we handle our relationships  when we change or our friends change. Often we miss the old ways we interacted. And even though sometimes we grow in positive way our friendships don't grow with us. 

I have a dear friend of mine who I have known for 20 yrs and we have had a pretty good relationship for a long time.  Once there was an ease of communication between us that I really miss since I have grown/ I don't know how to bridge the gap between who I was and the new me. Some people I know really enjoy the new me....my mother, even though we still have our disagreements.

I'm lost I don't know what to do or where to go. I'm tired of feeling alone. I want community and support and some room in my life to make mistakes. It doesn't feel like it is that kind of world. 

I feel sad, and rejected and i am thinking my friend feels the same.  My intellect knows that whatever she is going through is only partly because of me. 

Interestingly I can fit my experience of personal growth into a diagram that I learned about recently 

Intention> Action> Needs Met & Needs Unmet

I'm feeling sad and lonely worried....wishing for love, I want to matter, I want my feelings and needs to matter.....

I feel fucking angry! I FEEL FUCKING ANGRY!

Anger = Unmet needs 


I don't want to be the person I used to be. I like the new me. so much that I want to continue down this path of change. I don't think I have found the answer I have found something that works for me. Yet staying the new person we become can be so hard in the face of people we have known for a long time. Sometime Change scares them. The can be afraid there will not be a place for them with the new you. Or they have some stake in you staying the same. 

Now is the time to breathe and love myself no matter what. But also it is the time to love her too. Now is the time to know I can be angry and still love my old friends.  I can Change and my relationships can Change and we can go on. 

Peace Love Joy and Compassion :)

Oceana SisterMoon is currently living her dream of a sustainable life, raising chickens, and growing food with her 4 children. She seeks to help women unearth their power through sisterhood and healing through self-connection , interdependence, power in vulnerability, and authenticity. instagram pinterest

Building a Dream!

 I am almost to the end of a long journey which is the reason my blog has been on the back burner for such a long time. We will be finished building as of Oct 30th and I will start moving in if things go according to plan that night. It has been such an amazing journey. I feel like a piece of me has opened up like never before in my life. In order to complete this task I have had to excavate my soul (not that I don't have more to do and learn and grow into. But I think for the first time in my life I am looking forward to the journey......adventure with more excitement than fear. 

My whole family has worked for this new house and it is not quite our dream come true but it sure is a large chuck.  My teenage daughters have put in as much work as I have and I have to complement them on that most teenagers that they know have little to no responsibility or go out into the world and work while they have been putting into our family mostly by babysitting for little or no pay. I am in awe of their spirit. It has been hard. I have to thank the amazing people at Habitat.  I feel like I am apart of a community in a way that I have not felt in a long time. I have learned about building houses and gained skilled I will forever be grateful for and use! 

The house began on Aug 6th when I went out to the property and cleared debris away and helped Jacob a Habitat foreman set the perimeter for the foundation. By Aug 20, we were putting up the walls. It is the most amazing experience to be apart of putting up your walls for your house!  Most of the roof went up that same weekend! 

We all drank a lot of water trying to stay hydrated! Aug in TN is NO Joke!

   

One of the most exciting things about our Habitat is that we build energy star houses with a much high insulation R-value than a regular house (regular house in our area require R-15 , Habitat does R-19 on the interior and R-5 on the exterior )

  

Drywall is up. Let's paint!

Here's Jacob helping to keep us laughing while working us so hard!

Jacob teaching;  Definitely some kind and patient teachers. 

Finding Vulnerability

"I want to find, accept, and then stretch my limits so I can take bolder and bolder actions in the face of fear." -Miki Kashtan

I've been studying Nonviolent Communication for almost 3 years now

I first read the book of the same name by Marshall Rosenberg about 6 years ago. I thought it was enough like other types of communication styles that I had already studied that I could use it easily without having to study too much. 

Then I found myself in conflict with a dear friend. She was very frustrated with me and wanted me to understand something very important in the moment. I was afraid and didn't think I could listen well. I tried to be vulnerable but failed. We tried going to an NVC workshop together but I was too hurt and I think she was too.   It ended badly.   And while I am still in contact with her our friendship has suffered, our friends we had in common have enacted a distance.  Sadly, this was at a time in my life when I lost my life partner and needed their support very badly. I was left alone in my grief for not only my life partner but also my friends and support group.
  

This is when I decided that I would intensively study Nonviolent Communication for a year. I was lucky that I am near a city that held workshops regularly and began my journey. I reread the book and watched every video on youtube I could find. And attended 3 workshops in the next year.  I started to see change in my life. I continued to take workshops and found a book study group for my second year, and have continued finding information on blogs and in books and at workshops

I have lived in fear for most of my life. Fear of people, fear of life.  I wanted to be loved and cared about I wanted understanding but being terrified to the extreme really made it hard to interact with people.  I also felt angry and let's face it women are not allowed to be angry in our culture. Women are allowed to cry and be afraid, women are allowed to be depressed, women are to be helpless and victims but we are not supposed to get angry. Yet I was tired of moving between depressed and angry. Yet I am often to afraid to show people my feelings of vulnerability.  I am often shaking in terror and close to tears working to stay vulnerable when trying to tell people my authentic truth rather than pick up my defensiveness. However, I am learning to have courage. I am learning that for me courage is not the courage to fight or go to battle but to stand unprotected in my mistakes and imperfections.  To stand unprotected in my pain and hurt and needs for support and compassion.  To stand naked before people.  I have had some successes recently and I  have found by bringing in my vulnerability, others meet me with more vulnerability. I have yet to do this in a high stakes situation but I feel I am closer to being able to do this.  I hope the next time that some one is really angry at me I am able to think faster and know what to say. Whether it is right to offer up my own feels of fear and insecurity or to offer empathy.

I think this is one step we will take when we are ready to live in a world of peace. I think we often think that living in a world of peace means to live free of conflict. But maybe it really means to live in a world were we can all learn to be vulnerable with ourselves and with each other.  So everyday I make the effort to lay down my defenses and stand naked with all insecurities,  fears, and open wounds in front of myself and sometimes I am even brave enough to do it in front of others.  I hope to continue on this journey of gentle learning and laying down my weapons of words to find what is underneath.

Oceana SisterMoon is currently living her dream of a sustainable life, raising chickens, and growing food with her 4 children. She seeks to help women unearth their power through sisterhood and healing through self-connection , interdependence, power in vulnerability, and authenticity. instagram pinterest